I got Married… To Me

How many commitments to yourself have you broken?

I woke up and knew it was the day where my life would be changed moving forward.  No more false promises, all faults aside, it’s time to fall in love with me.  I went straight for my grandmother’s wedding ring in my jewelry box.  It was the minute I committed.  I got Married to Me.

How many times have you let yourself down with…

That dessert….

One more glass of wine…

The date you knew should have walked out on - but you stayed, and kept seeing that person…

What about the purse you saw that would look so good with a pair of boots? You don’t ‘need’ it, you have ‘enough’…

Or 

I’m going start that diet when….

This is my last glass of wine…

I’m going to yoga tomorrow….

I will write in the morning…..

I will meditate…..

I am going to spend less…

I am going to stop dating….

These broken promises are concessions to our future potential.  In our world of information highways and New York minutes, just sitting still can feel foreign.  

When I look back at my compromises over the years, they come from a desire to be loved or to be a part of something.  Even when I know that an event or a person is out of alignment with my needs or ideals, there are still times when I say yes.  It is only natural. Our humanness breeds needs, wants and desires even if they go against our grain out of our basic necessity for connection.

Stepping back into my life post-hysterectomy is one of those RAW moments of heightened sensitivities and awareness combined with a weakened physical state.

Have you made the mistake over and over again of putting the needs of others, their wants and desires before your own?  You can be partnered or single and still suffer from the ancient illness of being “divorced from self”. It is a natural state for many people in our society.  We do what we have to do to get through a day.  We think we should do something someone wants us to, or we act strictly in survival mode. Both lead to a deep separation from our truth. 

Believe it or not, I suffered from the latter - living in survival mode.  

Over the years I have compromised my commitment to myself to feed a relationship, or out of a desire to escape.  Thinking that either will fix what is not aligned internally, will only end in heartache.  I learned this the hard way. 

The “I can do it!” attitude was never enough, because that was strong-arming my soul.  Holding your soul for ransom for others can be so exhausting.  Walking back into empowered presence in life takes a serious and conscious commitment to self.  This does not mean selfish journeys of manipulation, but it does mean miracles of alignment, authenticity and transparency.

Healing from a life-transforming emergent surgery, sitting in the great well of knowing, and embracing the grief and anger each step of the way is about how to heal this divorce from self and create a true union with my body, mind and spirit.  No partner could do this for me. The quest to return to the self is a solo journey. 

What I know to be true is this: everybody is different, and each person deserves to be treated in their own unique, desired way.  My innocence and trust have transformed into a protective boundary around my soul.

Becoming mindful of the now and what is around us assists in the connectivity to creating relationship with self.  Since I am a mission-built marketing person, I always think in stories, context, and ‘what ifs’. This creates rabbit holes and abounding, infinite thought trails.  

Last week, I recommitted to my meditation practice, with a MBSR (Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction) program.  This time I will sit daily and once a week with of a room of 12 people who are looking create space for that inner peace we all crave.  "Mindfulness is about living your life as if it really mattered," says Jon Kabat-Zinn. "If you're not mentally present in the small moments, you could be missing half your life."

When we compromise, we are misunderstood. We are not communicating our true intentions.  Our efforts in a relationship can get blurred because the energy we put out there is not in alignment with what is happening internally.  For true clarity, communicate your desire and acknowledge that/if you are settling. Otherwise, buck up.  

Pull yourself up by your boots straps, baby.

Challenge your status quo.  

Get connected to a higher source of wisdom – your intuition. 

There are 4 steps for an uncompromised existence in life, a true union of the Divine and yourself:

  1. Ask for guidance.  Each day we wake and affirm our existence in a negative light we are only bringing that old thought pattern back to life in our world.  Marianne Williamson, a thought leader and a student in A Course in Miracles repeats daily to the Divine:   
    • “Where would you have me go?  What would you have me do?  What would you have me say, and to whom?” 
  2. Move your body, get in it, and express it.
  3. Sit and meditate.
  4.  Write or create.

These steps are the foundation to setting you up for success in any area of your life.  

Wanna find your home?  Do these 4 steps daily.  You will be brought to your home by coming back to center.  They will forge the union with self and create new possibilities,   unimaginable possibilities.  

You ask why and how?

We cannot bring in the new without creating space for it by releasing the old.  Clean out your psychic closet.  You must train yourself to crowd out the dark with lightness.

So, begin each day with these 4 steps. (No matter what!)  You will be rewarded with an uncompromised commitment to yourself and to the world around you.  It is your RIGHT, it is your responsibility, and it is your true work to lead with your divine edge.

This is The Passionate Rebel signing off.  For more wisdom, wildness and wellbeing come join us on the Playground here.  It would love to hear your comments over on the blog.

With love,

Carrie
The Passionate Rebel