Digesting the Inedible

Grab a cup of tea or coffee, this one is a little longer than usual.

Almost 15 years ago I was challenged to be in complete silence for a week while on retreat.  It was amazing how many internal obstacles I came up against, how loud my negative voice could be, and finally, the realization that I loved to talk, to theorize, to express and to communicate.  I learned to listen and accept the journey.

A little over four weeks ago I went through a life-changing event.  It was traumatic, shocking and extremely purposeful.  When confronted with a life-threatening situation our minds reel with thoughts of ‘Have I made an impact?’ ‘Was the ride fun?’ ‘Did I accomplish what I set out to do?’ ‘Was I loving, and loved?’ I can honestly say that as the thoughts reeled through my mind during my second of four blood transfusions I felt incomplete. I was saddened that my greatest impact is still yet to come, and pleasantly overwhelmed by all the love and support that was coming my way.

My silence over the last 4 weeks has been a period of grieving, healing, recalibrating and gathering of strength.  

My first surgery was about 20 years ago on my spine.  It was a massive undertaking. I resented the medical community for recommending it, and for asking me to make such a huge decision at the ripe age of 18.  If I could only go back in time with todays knowledge and ask questions.  Oh, wait, I did, but I trusted and believed my doctor’s answers instead of searching for the answers that I knew felt in alignment with my body, mind and spirit.  I have paid the price since April 4th 1995.

Since then I have had 9 surgeries on my uterus.  I can theorize quite a bit about this region of my body now, at 38. There was stagnation in my second chakra from the metal rods in my spine, there was trauma infused in my birthing organs, and there were fibroid tumors that grew from a deep-seated anger I held.  I have a firm belief that we have the inherent right to be healthy, and that it is our job to take on the journey to health.  Last night, I was reminded of this belief as I sat with an energy healer and we worked on healing the void of my missing organ.

Letting go of you is a path to freedom.
Welcoming in new energy is a path to freedom.
I held on, I searched for answers to protect you.
I dismissed advice, because it was my right to bear a child.
Every woman should have the right to choose, and I wanted that choice at any cost.
I never knew you were killing my vitality.
I never computed that every healer was trying to fix you.
My intellect knew, but I could not feel deep into you.
You heeded signs, I lived in a world of ideals and shoulds.
You were damaged, and I held on to you.
You were diseased, and I fervently tried to fix you.
I didn’t understand that you wanted out.
You had given me fair warning.
You had screamed for a new path.
I could not bear to let you go, until I had no other choice.
The choice was life, or you.
I chose life.

I am one of many. The surgery I had is so popular, in fact, so much so that one-third of all women will have a hysterectomy before they turn 60. For some, the procedure provides real relief. But, here's a shocker: more than two-thirds of the 600,000 hysterectomies performed every year may be unnecessary, experts say.  (CNN)

I never wanted to be a part of that statistic.  In reality, no one could find an appropriate answer or a solution for why we birth these abnormal growths. No one knows, truthfully, why we bear these internal burdens clinically called polyps, fibroid tumors (benign ones at that), endometriosis, or adenomyosis.  Thousands of women are left feeling helpless.  I made it a mission to get to support, to reveal the truth behind it ‘all’.  The truth came with great loss and no concrete answers, but a wild journey.

Almost five weeks ago, I said a prayer, I asked for guidance to a power greater than myself.  I turned it over, I prayed to be relieved of my unresolved health issues, so that I could move into the next realm of health to serve at my highest good.  Twenty-four hours later I was hemorrhaging.  Thirty-six hours later, I quietly without panic knew it was time to go to the hospital.  It’s funny that what many women go through is not widely spoken about, and yet it is so challenging, it is horrific, it is paralyzing, and it is troublesome.  It is personal, and it is revolutionary.  When we carry and give birth to children we also bear the burden for society and birth the gift of life.

Losing the organ that gives life in such a traumatic way has made me more righteous, more guarded, and more silent.  This comes after having a total of 13 surgeries in the past 20 years.  Well, over $100,000 in preventative care on my reproductive organs from acupuncture, to chiropractors, to detoxes, to colonics, to healers, to retreats, even my surgeries were considered preventative maintenance.  Sometimes, our efforts can’t change what is just supposed to be.  Digesting the loss requires time, creativity, and many conversations with friends, loved ones and that power that is so much greater than us.

My limiting beliefs around what was my right led to many emergent situations, they forced me to look beyond what is. This journey is not for the faint of heart. It is not for the weary. This journey that we are all on is for the love of life, and for the quest of health on a level that opens up limitless opportunities for all of us. Fighting it is not always a sign of strength; it can be a form of resistance. 

Over the past 20 years I have undergone 9 surgeries on my uterus and the last one the 10th a hysterectomy.   I have fought every bit of the way to keep her intact.  When I was 20 years old, I was told I needed surgery to remove fibroids.  My mother and I decided together that I had been through enough medically after my failed spinal fusion at 18, and that it was best I go out and live my life. I made the choice to see what would come of just living.  My defiance was against my doctor’s orders.  

When a negative life experience sets in, anyone in that realm can become a target.  Most of the medical community was an enemy to me at the age of 19.  I did not trust them, you know doctors.  I sought out alternative therapies with reckless abandon, desiring freedom from my physical pain and struggles by whatever means possible.  I learned through many hard conversations, with years of research and relationship development, that our mindset in approaching any medical situation is key.

At 33, I remember sitting down with Bernie Siegel to discuss the medical adventure and obstacles.  After years of studying Abraham Hicks, I was ready to take new form in my body.  I was ready to become responsible on a physical, mental, and emotional level.  Together the ‘Universal’ we cleared space for a new beginning, and a new mindset.  We created room for a whole new existence.  

I changed gears. I embraced my experiences in a game-changing way. I walked into my new career in the preventative medical world not only to raise the bar of optimal health, but to also heal my broken trust with the medical community.  My job required me to build trusting relationships with my clients - ‘doctors’ - and learn how to partner with them to build business.  I succeeded, and yet, my health still failed.

Now, I understand that I have always been setting things in motion. I have always been asking to be released from the pain, and through this painful experience, eventually, I will be. I am letting go of my idealistic vision of the world and holistic health.  I am embracing the idea that bad things do just happen to good people.  I am accepting that science has its values and its faults.  The investment I made in my body has paid off in external physique, but I could never reach the tipping point to change what was inevitably going to happen internally.

Accepting what is, is the first step in self-love.  Acceptance breaks down the hard walls of internal rejection, and allows light to flow through the cracks, warming the heart again.

Here’s what I know to be true: the only constant in life is change.  The challenge is keeping up with it, and staying open to it.  

Can you digest it?  Can you create from it?  Can you work with it?

What do you do to digest your life changes?  

This is The Passionate Rebel signing off.  For more wisdom, wildness and wellbeing come join us on the Playground here.  I will be opening the doors to a private Facebook community soon, keep your eyes and ears open for a new adventure birthing.  It would mean so much to me, to hear your comments down below.

With love,

Carrie

The Passionate Rebel